Today's rumours think it's the new Champions League

You know it's a slow news day when one of the featured stories on the homepage of Britain's best-selling daily paper carries the headline "baboon nicks bag from car". It might not be up there with the most obscure local newspaper exclusives recently tweeted to infamy, but it ain't far off. And this the morning after one of the most spell-bindingly brilliant European matches in recent memory at Fulham. They could have just scrapped the paper and printed the entire match in flick-book form.

Meanwhile in The Star, another top exclusive: Victoria Beckham jetted in to see her stricken husband carrying a suitcase full of his favourite snack: Cheetos cheese puffs. "Beckham, 34, is said to adore the Wotsit-like treats," they report.

In the Mail, phat dope down-dirty sweet homie Brendan Guilfoyle, Crystal Palace's administrator, is discussing his musical tastes. "I'm a big hip-hop fan," he lied, before denying that P Diddy is about to buy the crisis club. "There's no truth in it."

And now for some genuine transfer speculation, with news that Everton and Seville are engaged in an £8m tug-of-war over Twente's Costa Rican striker Bryan Ruiz. With Blaise Nkufo heading for Seattle, Twente boss Steve McClaren needs to sign some strikers, sharpish, and has put Hull's Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink at the top of his shortlist.

Talking of Hull, Phil Brown's break from management might be brief, with his name high on Bristol City's shortlist after the sacking of Gary Johnson. Others in the running are Doncaster's Sean O'Driscoll, Bournemouth's Eddie Howe and currently-out-of-work former Ipswich bosses Jim Magilton and George Burley.

Bastian Schweinsteiger has moved to cool speculation linking him with a move to Chelsea. "What is written in English papers is not always right," he told Bild. He's not wrong there, but he sh